Take Note! 4 Places to Never Take my kid

1. Carnivals. Might as well piss away the money. Unless you drag the whole Zaucha family up to make fun of people and grab a funnel cake on the way home, then that's okay.

2. Chuck E. Cheese. My parents never would have taken me on my own, I said they were mean but really they were doing so for my own good. Chuck E. Cheese is evil and dirty.

Somehow I managed to get invited to a birthday party there when I was about 7. Turns out Chuck E Cheese prompted my intense fear of puppets that still shakes me to the core. Remember that awful demonic puppet show? No one warned me as I sat munching on their famous cardboard pizza that the ugly woodland creatures would come to life and start jerking around like the undead with their mouths flapping while really horrible pre-recorded kid music filled the air. I about laid some serious brown in my Day-of-the-week Undies that day.

3. Waterparks. Indoor or Outdoor. I don't discriminate, neither does Legionnaires' disease.

4. Build-A-Bear. If I have to explain why, I'll have to kill you.